time passes slowly

So, I had started my last entry last night before I went to bed...and gotta say I was exhausted by the time I had finished it and got into bed (despite not actually being tired once I got into bed.)

Today is CD 33 and my longest cycle 36 days long, so I am expecting my period any day now. The thing is that I usually have pain for about 5 days straight before my AF arrives. Which I had felt some pain a few days ago for like 2 days. I know I could be over-thinking this whole thing, but as I posted last night, I did think earlier in my cycle that I may be pregnant. At the very least it's a possibility.

But then I look at my chart and my BBT is all over the place already. It shows up as a large V on my screen. Granted, I've only been charting my BBT for 3 days now. But I'm still not having any normal symptoms I get normally before my AF arrives.

I hate that when you're TTC, you start to over-think every little thing that happens, hoping for that BFP. I know I don't have the medical OK to TTC just yet, as I explained last night, but that doesn't stop me from kinda hoping that I am.

Though in another sense, I do hope that I'm not pregnant just yet so that I can make sense of my cycles.

Last time I had taken this path, I had a good running start, but I didn't have time even to chart one full cycle yet when the doctors had told me I was pregnant. I wonder if the same will happen this time.

People kept telling me that I should be sad that I had a chemical pregnancy. And I was...more upset that it didn't happen, and that I had to tell my closest relatives that it didn't take. But in a way, it was a small relief as I had to have the colposcopy and leep procedures as a result of 2 abnormal paps performed last year.

I know my thoughts are all over the map today, but this is why I have started this blog, to blog down my thoughts and feelings and my plan of attack this time arround.

On another note, I have decided to take a PG test on CD 40 if I have not yet had a visit from my AF. In plain English, that'll be March 12, 2014. Today is only the 5th so it's a bit of a wait for me, but pretty much, if I don't have my AF by March 8, I'll be forced to assume that I have already achieved my goal of getting pregnant.

I guess I have what you could call abnormal cycles...my cycles range from 29 to 36 days in length.